music music music!!!

My friends help me to find the BEST music! **Thank YOU Luz!!!** Please check this guy out. He's really good!
I'll be seeing him play here in Milwaukee next week.

strange and perfect

My car is broken again. Not sure what it is this time. Sometimes there is such a fine line between being totally blessed and completely inconvenienced. Well, at least that's how I feel sometimes.

Let me rewind. First let me tell you about my day yesterday.

Kevin is visiting again. He met me for lunch and I took him to the Soup Bros. We had Cowboy Dick's Chunky Chili. Yum! I so greatly enjoy sharing my Milwaukee Favorites with people.

After work we went to Atwater Beach and walked around in the sand and water. It was so nice! I found a butterfly in the water. It was still alive. Katie tried to rescue it. She brought it over into the sunlight so it could dry off and then I think she sang some lullaby's. The butterfly died. Kevin tried to distract Katie and made up stories about seeing it fly towards heaven.

Then we went home and made an awesome dinner! The menu? Cheese pizza, homemade hummus, spaghetti squash, corn on the cob, and adamame. Talk about a random mix of things! It was so satisfying though.

After dinner we went to Cafe Hollandar and had beer and caramel apple pizza.

When we got home I had to move my car from the street into the parking lot. To my dismay, the car wouldn't start. We thought maybe it was the battery so Katie brought her car over so we could jump-start it. I'm embarrassed to say that I froze up. It's been so long since I've had to use jumper cables and I am terrified of accidentally blowing up my car. So we stood there together, trying to figure out how to perform a successful jump-start. That's when we met this random guy who put a smile on all of our faces. He came over to the car and asked if we needed help. He called us "Friends". He connected everything and gave us a quick tutorial. We had to wait a few minutes to see if my car would take the charge. The guy said "I'm sorry I can't help you any further than this. I don't know anything about cars. But I DO know Yoga. I can teach you some Yoga!"

We stood on the side of the road next to the charging cars and he called out these freaky bizarre positions. "Grab your left foot from behind and pull it up. Clasp your hands together. Arch your back and lean to the left. Breathe!!! Push your chest forward and lean back and look at the floor behind you....." Oh my gosh it was crazy! This guy teaches Bikram Yoga in Chicago so he was very skilled. He had is body so neatly wound up it was inspiring!

My car didn't hold a charge so I had to call the city and have it registered and approved for the street parking. Tonight my Dad's going to drive up and tow it home. That should be fun and exciting! Kevin told me he wanted to be a part of my real life. He told me that he didn't expect to have a tourist-type vacation every day. He's definitely getting some glimpses of reality for me. It is so nice and comforting to have him here.

That's all for today. If only every day were that interesting!

if i had it my way...

Weekends would always be spent camping.
We would recycle EVERYTHING.
All of our actions would nurture and illuminate our environment.
Pedestrians would always have the right of way.
Beauty would look like courage.
God would be easier to understand.

all that from a piece of chocolate!!! good grief!

My Roommate's Boyfriend Nereus just returned home from a vacation in Italy. Am I jealous??? Maybe a little. It was really fun to listen to some of his stories, stories that made sense to me because they connect to my own memories.

At one point he dipped through Switzerland since he was so close and like any smart person would do, he bought some chocolate!!! And like an even smarter person would do, he brought back an entire bag of it to share with Katie and me.

Last night, sitting on the couch, listening to his stories of Venice, Cinque Terre, espresso, and dramatic Italian speech, I reached for a piece of milk chocolate. The moment the taste registered, there was a wave of emotions that rushed through my body and almost had me crying. That is not an exaggeration.
I've always heard stories that certain smells or tastes have the strength to bring back significant memories, I guess I've just never experienced it before.
I sat there with the chocolate melting in my mouth and instantly feeling the presence of close friends, pure community, fresh baked bread, bus rides up to Villars, standing in the chocolate isle of Migros or the CoOp, day trips to Montreux and Lake Geneva, lectures in the chapel, sack lunches on Thursdays and Sundays, laughter, knitting, down comforters, thick snow, burning sunsets, wool blankets... Everything felt present, alive, fresh, right there with me as if it were coating my skin, as if I were holding it all in my hands. It was an incredibly intense feeling.

2 years have passed and I still haven't fully adjusted to this "normal" American way of living. 2 years and I still feel like I'm doing everything wrong. How do you take a rich experience and keep it close without trying to recreate it? Sometimes change feels like progress, and sometimes change feels like coping. I'm fighting with that balance I think. I know that I need to move on and stretch my boundaries and challenge my insecurities. I have learned so much and yet I have so much more to learn. As I continue to take steps forward I'm afraid that I'll lose those moments, I'm afraid that I'll forget the beauty of it all.

I wrote this last summer and posted it on my blog. These are words that capture it all. Cheers!

The sights and sounds memorable of a place that has shaped my soul
cave my heart to the craved comfort of home.
My eyes closed, I can still feel the breeze whispering over the hills,
around the bend, across my face.
The fog drops, sticks to my skin like frosting.
The blue bus arrives on schedule bringing new people, new faces, another lovely, seeking, broken, humble soul-- another friend.
Through the village the donkey wails, the locals build, the land rests.
The mountain tips burn like amber coals, the sun sets, the day ends,
my heart beats with life life life, i'm alive alive alive, i'm in love love love
with this moment.
I'm pricked, my eyes shocked open,
I'm here, not there.
I'm restless, foreign, homesick.
My heart moves my mind moves my hands to inspire creativity, to unfold hope
to unveil the beauty that must be here...there must be beauty here.
I reach for hands to touch my hands,
my skin to feel, my eyes to see you,
to see you again, to find you, to love you, to hold you...
My hand stretches to the sky, holding on to love that must never expire.
I walk on, my footprints left exposed,
then abandoned,
then covered by dust and I soak in the hope that I will return.

clouds

I just looked outside and the clouds are layered and thick and it made me think of whipped cream on a pumpkin pie. Now I want to make a pie. Instead I have to stay here at work until 4:30. Maybe I'll make a pie tonight. Regardless, the sky looks amazing.

i'm so excited, i LOVE to sing!!!

I am SO excited. Stacey and Dustin have asked me to sing in their wedding. I consider this a great honor. It is also a huge step for me professionally as this will be the first time I share my singing publicly.
So, because of this event I have been searching and searching for the best song to sing. It's a tough call! There are so many excellent creative heart-felt songs. I'm searching for the most appropriate and meaningful lyrics so if you have any ideas PLEASE pass them on. I have a few options on my list so I thought I'd list them below. I welcome any feedback.


Song Choice #1 Wedding Song, by Tank

This Is My Wedding Song (Thon Thon Thonthon Thon Thon Thonthon),
If You Feel Me Sing Along Yall,
If I Had Known Wanna Know Wanna Know Wanna Know Right Now,
Things Would Be Different Now, And I Wouldn't Be Standin Here Singin In My Wedding Song (Thon Thon Thonthon Thon Thon Thonthon),
We'll Be Somewhere Gettin It On, And We Still Be Freakin Eachother....

(comments anyone???)


Song Choice #2 I've Had The Time of My Life, by Jennifer Warnes and Bill Medley

I've been waiting for so long
Now I've finally found someone
To stand by me
We saw the writing on the wall
As we felt this magical fantasy

(I especially like the part about the magical fantasy. So romantic!!!! It catches the essence of true love if you ask me)


Song Choice #3 Swearin' to God, by Frankie Valli

Swearin' to God (Swearin' to God)
Oh, I dedicate (Don't tell the angels)
Hey, I'm swearin' to God (Swearin' to God)
I cross my heart and hope to die, I do

Just call me a one woman lover
I can't even look at another

(What do y'all think of this one? I would need someone to sing back-up but I'm pretty sure my brother would do the honor. I like the part that says "hope to die, I do". And the "just call me a one woman lover"....well....Dustin that fit's you right?)

Song Choice #4 Bad Love, by Eric Clapton

I've had enough bad love
I need something I can be proud of
I've had enough bad love
No more bad love!!!!!

(Well...this one....I just feel it ya know? Don't you just feel it?)


Song Choice #5 No Bad Love, by Tom Jones

I've known a few bad ladies
All of them got me hurt
Some of them women that seemed sweet,complete,
they treat you like dirt

But I ain't never seen no bad love
Never heard about no bad love
I never really seen no bad love
No bad love...no bad love

(In keeping with the theme of the last song, this one is a little more deep. Maybe I like this one a little better. I mean...how sweet??? Stacey may seem like a "bad lady" or she might "treat Dustin like dirt" but their love is strong....no bad love!!!)


Song Choice #6 My Funny Valentine (an oldie, but a goodie!)

You're my funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Unphotographical
Yet you're my favorite work of art....

( What a sweet song right? I mean, it's fitting...Stacey is an artist and Dustin can say that she's HIS favorite work of art! So perfect! And besides...I think I can really make my voice shine through this one! Again...comments are welcome)

So that's what I've found thus far. I'm still looking for the perfect song with the perfect lyrics AND something that will allow my voice to shine.

about faith

Wow, two posts in one day! Lucky you!

This is just a brief thought/comment. We talk about faith a lot in our world. We are encouraged to have faith in all things. We are taught directly and indirectly that faith has the power to change things. Have faith and...things will get better. Have faith and...you'll see changes. If you want to be successful you have to have faith. If you want to be wealthy you have to have faith. If you want....if you want....if you want.....THEN have faith.
Okay, so I know that seems a bit exaggerated but I'm going to assume that you understand and can resonate with this. We are taught so fervently that faith changes the results, and therefore our faith becomes very self-centered.

The truth is, faith is not faith FOR someTHING, faith is faith IN someONE. Read that again and make sure you understand what I'm saying.

We have faith IN God. Faith teaches us about the personhood of God. Faith teaches us that life is in God's control no matter what. The results??? Ultimately it doesn't matter because that's not the point. Faith teaches us to love and respect God regardless of the circumstances. Having faith doesn't always change the situation but it changes the way that we see the situation. We understand God better by making room to believe in him. The result then, is a deeper understand of who God is. That's what we are here for right?

Think for yourself about faith. What comes to your mind when you think of the importance of faith? Why do you have faith? Why are we taught to have faith? How have you seen faith misrepresented? The past few days I've been reflecting and realizing that in so many subtle ways this false understanding has not just been taught...but it has been preached! This is all stuff Tommy has been talking about at church. It has been good for me to hear.

something i'm singing today

These words from Jennifer Knapp's song Refine Me have been somewhat meaningful to me today. I thought I'd share them with you.

I come into this place
Burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains
From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain
You're my God and my Father
I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now
What have I become?

Lord, come with your fire,
Burn my desires; refine me
Lord, my will has deceived me
Please come and free me
Refine me

Speaking of worship....I was at Starbucks this morning and a cute barista gave me my tall soy chai latte for free. How nice.

good music

Funny story: On Saturday I was at the Lifehouse concert at Summerfest. It was amazing! They play an incredible live show. So they started playing "Hanging by a Moment" and being the popular song that it is, the entire crowd started singing along. The band put the microphone out into the crowd for the chorus and it was as clear as a choir. It was cool. And then we stumbled upon the line that no one knows.... haha, it was awesome. "I'm living for the only thing I know... I'm.....hm.......nnnn....mmm...umm..........go" The crowd-choir faded out and everyone started laughing because it was so obvious. The band laughed a little too. It was funny.



I'd like to share with you two new artists that I have discovered. I think they are quite talented!
Cedar Avenue is from Minneapolis. They are actually close friends of my church-family here in Milwaukee. They played 2 shows at Summerfest this past weekend and really...they are very good. People were drawn in by their music and their polished sound. Their lyrics are heart-felt. They are beautiful people as well and I feel honored to have spent some time with them. Please check them out www.myspace.com/cedaravenuemusic.

While wandering around Summerfest I also discovered Ari Herstand. How do I describe him??? Here's the blurb from his myspace profile: This explosive new artist, blending genres from acoustic pop/rock, folk, hip-hop and jazz, busts down the walls of the tired acoustic rock, singer/songwriter box and has forced the world to take notice. Ari's unforgettable live shows display his talents on the guitar, piano and trumpet. Fusing them with his vocal percussion and beautifully angelic vocals - with the help of his loop station - Ari stuns every person that has the opportunity to catch his performance. Critiques have started crediting Ari's unique "Folk/Hop" genre as the next big wave in music and the artist to look out for in 2007!

He was really incredible! I'm not sure that his recordings quite match the live show, but I haven't taken the time to listen to the recordings yet. You can find him at http://www.ariherstand.com/ or www.myspace.com/ariherstand.


Finally, it was nearing midnight. The Lifehouse show was coming to an end and I thought "Wow, I made it through an entire day of Summerfest without having beer spilled on me or without being vomitted on! Amazing!!!" Last year at the Wilco concert a girl turned around and...well..I'll spare you the details but I had to spend some time near a pool of water to clean myself off.
But I kid you not.....I WAS feeling relieved, and seconds later Nick and I felt a splash up the backs of our legs. Then we heard "Oops, I'm sorry" from the guy behind us.
Hey...what's Summerfest (or Milwaukee) without it?

nice suit!

(this picture wasn't taken today, but I'm wearing the same suit today)

This morning I stopped at Anodyne Coffee on Brady Street. It was my first time there and I liked it very much. But that's a different story.
There was a nice man outside that stood up and opened the door for me. He then recommended his favorite drink (which I decided against) and then when I came outside to leave he told me that I looked very nice today. Then he asked me "Do you have to dress up like that every day for work?"
I said "Yes I do, and thank you!"

On my lunch break I was relaxing in the shade underneath a tree. I was sitting in the grass, eating my turkey sandwich and this old lady came walking up to me. She didn't look homeless, and she didn't seem totally crazy, but she was sort of crazy. She stood in front of me. Looked at me for a few seconds. Then she said, "New suit I see? You look nice." And then she walked away.

I must say, this is a lot more encouraging than my mom's usual "You're wearing that???"
:-) Just kidding mom. You know I love you!

funny story

So my friend Glenda from home came up on Saturday. She's my age, she's Hispanic, and she has 3 wonderful little kids. ( I cannot imagine having 3 kids at my age!!! But that's besides the point).
So on Saturday she brought her two girls up to hang out and we went to the zoo.
Before we left for the zoo we were at my apartment eating cheese pizza. Karolena (her 4 year old?) looks up at me and says "What's your name again?"
I said, "Silly girl….you know my name!!!" and she laughed.
So I said, "Okay Karolena…you can call me whatever you want. What do you want my name to be? You tell me what my name is…"
She smiled….then giggled……
I said, "Well…what's my name?" And she said, "White Girl???"

Haha, I laughed. I said, "Okay, you can call me that :-)"
So we were at the zoo in the monkey exhibit and she was getting really excited and then she said "White Girl!!! White Girl!!!! Look at the monkeys!!!"

And of course everyone in the area could hear and they all looked at me really strange :-)

The Dustin and Stacey Show!!!

Yay! It's time to celebrate! Stacey and Dustin have finally started a blog! Please check them out, leave them lots of comments, and shower your love on them :-)....or whatever.

www.dustinandstacey.blogspot.com

...Now I just have to get my brother into this thing. That kid can tell stories!!! Talk about entertainment! Well...all in good time I suppose.

my roommate who isn't my roommate anymore but will always be called "roommate!"

My friend. You are strong and nurturing. Time spent with you is fun and healing.

Remember when you would read T.S. Elliott aloud to me? Remember when we would run to Starbucks before Epistemology class? I laugh whenever I drink an Iced Soy Chai and remember how you teased me for sipping my drinks instead of gulping them. Remember when we would sit in our room and vent after frustrating chapel services? And more recently I remember smoking the Hookah on the patio of Casablanca. I have shared tears with you and laughter with you. We have been strong for each other and weak together. You inspire me. You remind me of who I am, and you believe in me.

I miss you. I am so proud of you. I am so excited for the next time we can share time together.

innocence

Yesterday I read a blog comment that really bothered me. It didn't bother me in an offensive way, I guess I just disagree. Or maybe I just see things differently.

I write this blog entry not to argue, not to attack, but only to raise some questions. They are questions I feel are worth asking. As always, I welcome ANYONE to dialogue with me.

The comment was in reference to a photo. It was shaming an assumed violation of a child's innocence. The Comment-Giver (anonymous to me) had a very strong opinion about the preservation of innocence. I sensed a strong desire to keep a child innocent, to protect that innocence, to shelter a child from the "filth" of the world. I guess it made me wonder.....

.....What is innocence? What is the purpose of innocence? Is it always a shame when innocence is broken? What breaks innocence? Is it exposure to indulgence? Or is it indulgence itself?

We walk a fine line when it comes to protecting ourselves don't we? One step to the right and a person is sheltered from reality. One step to the left and a person is over-exposed to the ruins of life. Perhaps the easiest way to escape the stress of it is to ride the safe side and avoid any unwanted consequences. But does that make a person innocent? Or does that make a person ignorant?

Before you attack me, please understand that I am not necessarily holding an either/or opinion. I'm not advocating that we walk completely on either side. Once again...I'm just asking questions.

When I was younger I was home schooled, and then I decided I wanted to go to public high school. It really bothered me when more than one person in my church told me that I was making a sinful choice. I didn't understand. It really bothered me. I'm not a mother, but I have an incredible mother! I respect her for letting me go to public school. Yes, I WAS exposed to many things there...many disgusting things. But because I was exposed I was then able to make real educated choices. How can our choices be valid unless they are educated? And isn't interactive experience the best education?

Working so hard to preserve innocence seems to assume that consequences are always bad. I have experienced the gut-wrenching heart-aching experience of an ended dating relationship...and that is a consequence I could never NEVER regret. I have experienced the shame of involving myself in some poor choices...but because of that shame I learned about God's abundant love for me. This grace has given me an identity that shines. Paul says "What then? Shall we sin more so that grace may abound more? By no means!" But he only says that because the grace of God is so incredible, and...well....needed...because we are human.
Psalm 119.1-3 says "Blessed is he who's way is blameless. He does nothing wrong." Is that the end? That's it? Just don't do anything wrong and I'm considered blameless? If that is the case, then I guess I fully disagree with the Bible and I think it is proposing a cheap way of living.

I feel our choices need to be made in courage. How amazingly beautiful it is to see the options, interact with them, and THEN choose which way to go! How much more meaningful is a blameless life when those choices were made courageously?!

I will conclude, in my own opinion, that innocence is maintained in spite of exposure, as long as good choices are made. And perhaps innocence is redeemable? If we don't allow ourselves to choose, if we don't allow ourselves to be educated, if we don't educate our children....then we are just ignorant. I think I really believe that.


Thanks for listening.

kids

This is my family. You gotta love 'em. Somewhat sweet, somewhat nutty....sticks together like honey...hmm, sounds like a good dessert!

I'm so happy to be gaining a brother. Maybe Nick is relieved that the gender wars will now be even. Whatever the case...I'm pretty sure that Dustin is practically the coolest.

some thoughts

This is something that a friend gave me. It pretty much describes my feelings for the past few years. I share it here in hopes that it will make sense to other people. Maybe it won't. That's okay too.

Unravelling & Ravelling

Here I am unraveling!

It began with a doubt. A tickling thread, an element of itching. Not much, but at the same time I wanted it gone; I prayed for it to disappear.

Unraveling. Some early questions coming out of the fray: How can I claim to know God? How can I comfortably address Infinite-God in prayer? What is my faith made of?

This doubt was mocking me: 'You live your family inheritance! You've invested so much you can't let it go! Your identity is tied up in Christendom-pull this thread and you will be nothing!' Mocking little, dangling thread of doubt.

The thread. I couldn't ignore the itch. Should I snip it off and pretend it never existed? Or should I pull it and examine my reasons for belief?

I would pull it until it stopped. My faith would find its form and still keep me warm. It would stand up to the test. I would tug this thread and come out stronger.

I came out weaker.

Every question led to another. Each answer was teased apart showing its own presuppositions. Every new experience I was open to, and every stranger I met, pulled at the thread. I was unraveling, and I was unraveling fast. What would be left?! Filled with doubt. Filled with uncertainty. Filled with failure. That's how it started, this unraveling.

But unraveling and raveling, I was both. They mean the same thing. They do-go, look it up. I started to see that unraveling didn't need the negative appendage, the un-prefix. As if unraveling were to be avoided, to be considered the ruin of my belief, my faith's fall.

My Christ-encounter had become meshed in interpretation, and confused in my inheritance (church, theology, psychology, politics). My 'becoming-Christ' had become 'Christian' (in all its woollen glory). But rather than unraveling these threads to expose an embarrassed belief, this ravelling disentangles the web of confusing adornments and decor to make room for the next encounter.

Ravelling. Disentangling, not collapsing. My faith didn't unravel, it ravelled. They mean the same thing. It wasn't the end, it was the beginning of something... I learned to revel in ravelling. The questions proclaim more than the answers. The searching confirms that there has been revelation. The hunt for an unattainable treasure confirms that we have found it. Tearing apart what I love is evidence that I love it.

Filled with doubt, for what is faith without it?! Filled with uncertainty, and my remaining beliefs are held lightly; an ensured humility. Filled with failure; failure to grasp God, forever failing.

I am ravelling.

a very special weekend

I have returned from Canada. It was a wonderful weekend...everything I was hoping for it to be. I am amazed at the richness of friendship, so rich that time can't damage it. Being together again was a gift that encourages me. I love them all.
Here are some pictures from the wedding festivities...


Joel and Magda, June 9, 2007 Yay!



These are my life-long friends....





They made their own wine for the wedding. It was great. I know this picture is a little blurry, but the labels are from the artist Chagall. They were really cool!




Here's a fine picture of Danny. He was an Usher.



3 Dear friends, Kevin, Danny, Joel. This was on the way to the wedding. Kevin is carrying a delicious apple tart.




Garrett and Danny.



Joel and Kevin dancing. It was a little pre-wedding excitement.




Danny and me.



Garrett and me.



I have the best friends in the world.

finally!!!

Well Folks, the word is out. Stacey and Dustin are "thinking" about starting a blog.
I vote yes!!!!

What do you think? Cast your vote in the comment section please!

Seriously, the blogging world is lacking without them. I mean...they have so much to talk about...like mullets, and walmart, and marriage, and med school, and coffee, and stuff....come on everyone! Cast those votes!

another wedding :-)

In the winter of 2005, two people fell in love....

These are my friends Joel and Magda. This picture was taken at L'Abri, 2 years ago. This was taken during a time when we were only allowed to take 2 showers a week, when nobody really cared what you looked like...a place that makes people beautiful in so many ways!!!

These are my friends that I love.
...and they are getting married!!!!!!!

This afternoon I am going to Canada to be a part of this wonderful event.
And next week, I'll post updated pictures :-)


In the words of Five Iron Frenzy.....

"Lets go to Cananda, let's leave today!

Canada oh Canada, i s'il vouse plait.

They've got trees and mooses and sled dogs,

lots of lumber and lumberjacks and logs,

we all think that it's kind of a drag

that you have to go there to get milk in a bag..."

thank you

I'm going to be vague because vagueness is required.

Lately I feel like my family is blessed to be loved by some of the most amazing people. I feel so at peace knowing that we are supported and cared for in any time of need.

This post is to say thank you, THANK YOU....all of you who have been an encouragement and all of you have given your time and help to our family. I find peace because of you. Thank you.

Any person who is reading this post, remember to take care of the people in your life. Take care of the people that you love. Serve the people around you. Give your heart. You never know when you might need that same service in return.

Thanks.

my day in pictures

I have been so tired and achy. I slept on a few couches last weekend, I was on the go go go, I took a Power-Flex weight lifting class and my body was screaming, I was up past mid-night for too many nights in a row....all of these things resulting in emotional and energy decay.

Yesterday at work I had 4 different people pull me aside to ask "Are you doing alright? You're not looking so great." Haha, thanks!

So I decided that I needed some "ME time". Below is a picture story of my day yesterday. Today I feel splendid.....or maybe even SPLENDERTACULAR!!!



(...a long day at work wishing it was Friday)



(After work I met up with Amy for our favorite work-out evening...yay for Thursdays.)



(Liz led an awesome class. I think it was my favorite ever. It was tough! She taught us a few new steps and I felt very challenged. Liz is trying to convince Amy and I to start teaching our own classes. Hmm...possibly?!!)

(I was starving and decided that my "ME day" needed to include a Palermos Primo Cheese Pizza. Yum.)

(There are moments when wine is a necessity. This is my favorite red wine...yes I know it's not high class or anything, but whatever...I like what I like. Mom and Judi and I shared a bottle of this wine every night we were in Italy.)

(Not just one glass....but 2. It's the perfect way to relax your muscles to guarantee a restful relaxed night of sleep.)

(Moose tracks...not my favorite, but probably on my top 10 list.)

(Season 1, disc 3, side B, episode 4.)

(...and then I fell asleep, relaxed and perfect!)

the family is all together again.

I'm at home with the folks.

Stacey and Dustin are driving in from Missouri.

This weekend we are celebrating my mom's graduation from college. My mother is an inspiring woman!

My car is sick--transmission. I barely made it home tonight, I really thought I was going to be stranded on the side of the highway. I feel sad for my dad. He works so hard to keep all of our cars running and it seems like there's no end.

I laugh at myself trying to describe the car's issues. I'm such a girl! I was trying to make car noises to my dad over the phone, trying to help him understand what might be wrong as if my noises will help him diagnose things. I think he finds it somewhat humorous. Girl's really can't do car noises very well.

I'm thinking a lot about God lately. I wonder what it means to be forgiven. I find myself being stupid, and then being too ashamed to ask God for help. I know that I don't EVER deserve God's help, even when I'm being good. Why is it easier to face him in my better moments then? I would imagine that God's truest beauty is exposed when I am face to face with a holiness that is in such striking contrast to my weakness. But doesn't Paul say something about that? He says "What then? Shall we sin more so that grace can abound more? By no means!" Well, I am human, and always human, no matter how super-human I try to be. I don't have to try very hard to look for God's grace, it's just there...all the time...because I am human.

So how does forgiveness influence my humanity?

If I'm in a good mood and if I remember, I will take some pictures of our graduation celebration bash tomorrow. I hope you all enjoy your long Memorial Day weekend. I sure will!

Love to you.

at home with the homeless

This life is not long enough for all of the things I want to do. I care...I just care so much!

This past week I was caught up in a conversation about the evolution of ethics and morality and how our society reflects the changes we make. It was a riveting discussion. As we were talking I was also thinking about some of the things I want to do with my life. I have a great many dreams and these dreams are very closely tied to my identity.

Then, as if I was just slugged in the gut, I was hit with a very heavy truth; I keep talking about all the things things I want to do in my life to help people and serve people, but what am I doing right here, right now, today? The answer to that question is, well, nothing!

Do I have an excuse?

That very night I was lying in bed with my laptop (like I am right now) stealing a wifi signal (like I am right now) and I googled some local volunteer opportunities. I settled on my truest heart-tugging interest which is homelessness.

Tonight I spent some time at The Guest House here in Milwaukee. I helped with some administrative projects and I was able to take a tour and learn about their programs and services. It was incredible and I want to share my experience with you.

I left work at 4:30 with plans to head straight over to The Guest House. I was dressed all nice in my professional business clothes. It was a long day of work stuff, training the new girl, working on more projects, and taking care of a bazillion needs. I work with some of the wealthiest people around. I pay $85.00/month just to have the privilege of parking my car in the garage every day. The rugs in the lobby by my desk are worth more than a years tuition at my Bible College (which is about $22,000). I left the glamorous world that seems so normal to me and I drove 4 minutes down the road to an area where I had to lock my doors and watch my back. I parked on the street in front of the shelter and I walked up to the door which was bolted shut. There was already a line of worn down rough looking men waiting for a hot shower, a good meal, and a soft place to sleep. I stopped for a second in front of one man who was sitting down smoking his cigarette. I smiled. I said hello. He smiled back.

Inside the building everyone seemed so eager to meet me. It was really cool. They showed me around and explained how everything works. I learned about the beginnings of the shelter nearly 25 years ago. Most importantly I learned of the many different ways I can help!

After a little while I went upstairs and helped in the office doing some administrative projects.

While I was there a Volunteer Group came to deliver dinner. They brought pizzas for the 80 men who were staying the night. They didn't bring enough, so many of the guys had to skip another meal. That made my heart really sad. I was really hungry too, and knowing that a bunch of starving guys downstairs were watching other people dine on warm cheesy pizza slices made me feel a little more able to survive.

I worked for about 4 hours on some huge projects. It was really cool to be there. But I learned something about service. When I think of doing service projects I guess I sort of think of it as being a big deal. I mean, seriously...I'm sacrificing MY time to go and help other people. Why wouldn't that be a big deal? Tonight I realized that I was just one in hundreds of volunteers who continuously flow through this shelter. Anything I did was appreciated, but at the same time it was no more special than a day of work. Shelters survive because of volunteer work. It's not a big deal, I guess it's sort of expected. Of course they are thankful, they were wonderfully thankful...but it was work that needed to be done and I did it. End of story, nothing fancy.

It's really interesting once you think about it. Service is humbling, not just because you end up doing things that are hard or boring or gross. Service is humbling because you realize that it's mundane and normal and somewhat unrecognized. If I stand in a line and hand out toiletries and bed sheets to a bunch of tired guys, I'm just a body doing service. No one will remember me. No one will notice me. I'm just a body. That's all.

Being there tonight was so beautiful. I couldn't help but to smile at those men because they had come to a place where people truly cared. It was an entirely different world than my daily money driven successful law firm environment. It was a wonderful contrast.

Next week I'm going over to a place called The Hope House. I'm anticipating an entirely different experience since it is a Women/Children shelter. Between both places I feel that I can really keep my hands working.

In this moment I keep thinking that my service to the people in the shelters will never come close to the measure of understanding and teaching I will receive from them. We are all people, people who make choices, and people who need love.

Thanks for listening. I encourage you to get involved in your community.

my sister

So...I have been thinking today about how much I love my sister. She's practically the most wonderful girl that I know. She's the girl that supports me even when she doesn't understand. She believes in me when I feel afraid. She lives a life that is to be admired. She reminds me to smile.
These pictures are old, but they are full of awesome memories of two girls wandering the streets of Italy. Two girls filled with gelato and espresso, and two girls fighting off kisses from Italian men, two girls who know how to have a lot of fun. She's a great sister.

She's also really great at taking terrible terrible disgusting photos of me when I'm not expecting it. I came across a few tonight so I thought I'd share them with you. Let me just say that train rides can get long and boring at times. Stacey had no problem entertaining herself though!

(a girl can't even sleep in peace. nope, the big sister has to be a pest!)

(oh, now here's a dandy one. i don't know what in the world i was doing with my face.)

(do not be deceived. just because i am looking at the camera does NOT mean i was aware that she was taking the picture.)

the donut story

Yesterday I had a major craving for a donut. It was the middle of the afternoon, I was in need of a mid-day energy booster and I had this gloriously rich donut pictured in my mind. Yum....

So I went upstairs to the Catering Department because they always have a display which we call "the bakery". They had 5 donuts left in the box and they were all the same kind...the kind that I DON'T like. They were the frosting filled kind. I hate the frosting filled ones because they give me a toothache. I like the custard kind, but not the frosting ones. But I REALLY REALLY wanted a donut. What a dilemma.

I decided to go with it. I figured I could just eat the edges and the topping. The topping had peanuts and glaze. So good. I took the donut and brought it down to my desk and prepared myself to eat it.

And then I was sort of annoyed again. I mean...I knew that I didn't like the frosting kind, and it really is lame to eat something (especially something so rich and fattening) when you don't even really like it. I thought about just throwing it away and settling with the jar of Peanut M&M's on my desk. I thought about it... and then I changed my mind again and took a bite.

And you know what?

It wasn't frosting filled. It had a lovely cinnamon swirl inside of it. What a treat! It was so delightful!


The moral of the story is...

happy mother's day!

I have the coolest mom in the whole world.

think about your world...make a difference

On a more thought provoking note...

On a more thought provoking note, the past few weeks I feel as if this same message has been hitting me from many different directions. Different situations, but the same message.

The message is: You shouldn't necessarily disown something just because you've had a bad experience with it.

Now, this message isn't an absolute or any sort of science. But it's very easy to avoid things that make you frustrated, angry, hurt, or just leave a bad taste in your mouth. You might avoid a certain person because (as my mother says) "They could annoy the warts off of a toad". You might avoid a restaurant because the service was really crappy. You might avoid church because you've seen/experienced a horrible representation of Jesus Christ. You might avoid certain aspects of Christianity because you don't quite understand them. You might avoid marriage because you are depressed by the horrible picture of marriage that is in our culture. You might avoid dating because it is complicating and awkward.

These are all little snapshots of my world. These are all some of the things that urk me, and make me run away. But over the past few weeks I have had to face some of these things and I've been dealing with some major self/soul improvement. We human beings are pretty good at messing things up once in a while. We are pretty good at abusing privileges, misinterpreting things, and acting in ways that are contrary to our ideals.
When we are confronted by our frustration, no matter what it is, it is usually a lot easier to just walk way. Isn't it?

For me, I get frustrated with the church. I believe in a church that is bigger and better than what we see in the world around us today. I believe that there is a church that really does care for people, that really does take care of the sick and the poor, and that really does involve itself in the world. I believe that there is a church that doesn't shove religious ideals down anyone's throat, but instead gets on hands and knees and humbly serves ALL people regardless of religious standards. I believe in a church that is aware of their world rather than blinded to current politics and events. I believe in a church of grace and creativity.
Where is this church? Well, I'm trying to find it. But I can't (or shouldn't) walk way from the church of today just because I'm frustrated or offended by it. Why shouldn't I walk away? Because I can't base my opinion from a false truth. I can't base my opinion of the church on the sick-mutations that I see.

This concept came up in my weekly discussion group as well. We were talking about marriage. It is amazing how many people avoid the idea of marriage because of the disfunctional marriages they have experienced in their world. It IS depressing! I myself have often wondered if I really want to get myself involved in a marriage when all around me I hear women crabbing about their husbands, divorces happening daily, fighting, disrespect, and boredom. But I can't blind myself to the many many healthy marriages around me. I can't avoid the opportunity to learn from people who are displaying the healthy version of marriage. There's a lot to learn.

Yes...there is a lot to learn. Ultimately, when we walk away, we are not only avoiding that thing, but we are avoiding the opportunity to learn. We are avoiding a person that might need our love, or might be able to teach us something. We are refusing to figure things out. We are allowing ourselves to believe that the misrepresentations are true.
We have a sense of discernment for a reason...we should be responsible to follow through with it.

i'm finally feeling rested

This past weekend I moved into a new apartment. Somehow I convinced myself that this time it was going to be easier and less stressful. What was I thinking?! It takes a lot of energy and creativity to move all of your stuff into a new place! I'm still trying to make things functional.
Although I am exhausted, it was a smooth move thanks to the GENEROUS help of Mom, Dad, and Nick. I'm glad I have big strong men in my life and a mother who knows how to get things done!

Soon, probably after the weekend I will post some pictures of the new place. It's starting to look great and hopefully soon it will start to look cute.
I LOVE having a roommate. Katie is wonderful. I couldn't ask for it to be better. It is so nice to have good company and good conversation.

the real mouse, mouse.

From time to time, people share things with me that are very blog-worthy. Today I'm sharing something that comes from my sister. The Real Mouse, Mouse.

Enjoy taxidermy? Yeah, me too. This project is the sick, sick work of Instructables member canida and company. It is a real mouse, gutted and fitted with parts from one of those small laptop mice. PETA members may want to look away, or go jump off a bridge, but I'm sure the mouse died from natural causes.