america's least wanted

In a recent article (June 9th) of the Cincinnati Post, I was pleased to find that my favorite car is safe on the streets of Milwaukee. Below, I have posted the article which is quite humorous. People may laugh at me and my "style" but they won't be laughing as hard when I'm the one car-pooling with the used-to-be Escalade drivers.
Look at this darling car! Who wouldn't think it was lovely?

AMERICA'S LEAST WANTED
Not surprisingly, thieves tend to steal the cars most people covet, which is why the Cadillac Escalade, the official ride of super-jocks, hip-hop artists, assorted other celebs and Tony Soprano, is the most stolen. (The smart thief, however, would probably be wise to avoid Mr. Soprano's vehicle.)

Other vehicles popular with the "Gone in 60 Seconds" crowd are the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution 4WD, the big Dodge and Ford crew cab pickups and the Chrysler Sebring, either because they're really cool rides or they have really cool parts, such as rims, Xenon headlights, spoilers and entertainment systems.
This is according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (www.iihs.org).

But how does that make the owners of the least-stolen vehicle - that reliable but humble mainstay of suburbia, the Ford Taurus station wagon - feel?

Even lowlifes don't want that car. A thief who arrived back at the chop shop with a Taurus wagon would be laughed at by the other car thieves.

Saying that if you squint real hard at the roof rack it sort of looks like a spoiler doesn't help.

A market-savvy motor company would make Taurus' theft aversion a selling point: "You can park this baby anywhere, and nobody's going to touch it."
That's the ticket. The whole car is an anti-theft device. Moreover, it's easy to park in the space where the Escalade used to be.