provision

(surfer alongside China Walls in Hawaii 08/2009)

Wow, it's been so long since I've written. I've certainly been busy while also being bored out of my mind. Or at times I've been cripplingly frustrated, while also feeling quietly at peace. How does that even work??? I know... I must be crazy.

Let me capture for you the reality of my life at present.

I'm home in Zion, nesting with my incredible parents who are generous enough to support me and keep me encouraged to the best of their ability and energy. I am unemployed. I have decreasing finances. My best of friends live an hour's drive away. And I have this nagging craving for kimchi that is quite the challenge to settle! I've been home for 2 months now and I spend most of my days online searching for jobs, writing cover letters, sending off my shining resume, and taking the family dog for walks to ease my nerves. I've filled out 5,056,413 applications for employment and have eaten at least that many dark chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter cups. I've had moments of careless frolicking, and moments of writhing tears. Never a dull moment... never.

It's maddening when you don't have control over your life. I'm living with my parents, they are providing food for me, and often filling my fuel tank. Mom has been thinning her closet and giving me piles of her unwanted clothes. I spent this past week in Milwaukee but was depending a fair bit on inviting myself to people's homes so I could share in their dinners. In my job-search, I can't help but admit that "it's all about who you know" and I've been re-kindling any connection that might work towards my benefit. Plainly speaking, I can't really do anything on my own right now. Lame...

...or not.

The thing is, we're not really in control of our lives, ever, even when we think we are. Right?

I keep thinking to myself "I just need a job... and then I can afford to purchase this or that, and then I can move into an apartment, and then I can afford to eat out, or I can drive to Milwaukee without dreading the cost of gas, or then I can tithe out of a real salary..." I stress about all of this as if it matters most, like I can't be settled until I'm in control again. But since when is it all about me? And since when is it MY power and authority that controls anything that happens in my life? And would I really wish for that control if it could be mine? Heavens no!

During these insecure and monotonous moments, may I be ever aware of God's gentle and abundant provision for me. What a beautiful family I have! My mom prepared the most perfect bedroom for me, painted stylishly with some of my own furniture and everything. Mom has been giving me free roam of the kitchen and the funds to cook anything I crave. Dad has been meeting me at the gas station to fill my tank. My neighbors have been treating me to breakfasts. My friends have been welcoming me into their homes! Other friends have been helping me to find employment and giving me excellent references. My church is only an hour away (which is much better than 2, 3, or 5 hours right?). You see, I have it all, right in front of me, like thoughtful gifts of love. And this is just a season, which will pass like all seasons do. And when I do find a job, and when I'm more financially capable, and when I'm not so reliant on other people... I must remember that I'm still no more in control of my life.

God just provides in different ways. The important thing is that he provides.