I'm missing you. Memories of being safe in your haven, resting, growing, being nurtured, these memories glisten in my soul. I long to be surrounded again, to stand in awe of your natural beauty. I feel so exposed now. I am wary, nervous, unsure, eager... When I return, someday, I will feel full again.
People often ask me why I miss L'Abri.
They ask, "What was so wonderful about it?"
Need I explain more?
The past few years I have had the need to test God by pushing all of his buttons just to see how far my rebellion can go. Does God really care?... Does he?....Really?.... Does he really care?....Does he care even when I don't care?..... Does he really?....really? Isn't that how we are sometimes? Well, that's how I am. I'm kind of surprised (and very much relieved) that God doesn't just take his big huge right hand of justice and squash me. If I was God...I'd be so irritated I'd be asking the other gods for some help. Like, "Seriously guys...April just doesn't get it!!!"
None-the-less, lately I feel like I just don't know if I really get it. When I step outside of the church, and when I step outside of my comfortable group of friends, and when I step outside of the norms that have created my little womb of a worldview....well frankly I don't feel like I really want to be a Christian. I feel like my Christian worldview is quite flimsy and I feel like I'm constantly facing issues that are so vague and complicated that I'd be an ass to just stuff them in my Christian womb worldview like they actually fit!
And then I laugh at myself because even when I'm angry and bitter and I feel like I have nothing steadfast to believe in...I lay in bed and I say, "God....I just don't know if you exist!". How silly right? I'm questioning the existence of the same person I'm talking with.
I was thinking the other day...what would it be like if I didn't talk to God anymore? What would it be like if I just started living as if he wasn't there? What would my life be like if I gave it all up? completely! How terrifying! If I exclude the God part of my life, then there's just nothing left that really matters.
I've been talking with people lately about emotional balance and achieving emotional health and personal growth in life. There are so many practical theories that have been constructed to help a person stay level. Some of them are quite helpful. Like, the importance of being honest with yourself and other people. It is amazing what happens when you stop trying to dance around things and when you bring the issue to the table right away. Honesty. Honesty definitely aids in keeping things balanced.
A personal favorite of mine is the advice of allowing other people to own their own reactions. I can't allow myself to get caught up on the emotions and reactions of other people. I cannot allow myself to be offended. Instead I need to pay attention to my own reactions and my own emotions. This is good advice!
There are many books written, numerous lectures given, and too many resources to count on the topic of emotional balance/healing/growth.
Lately as I've been listening and observing all of these thoughts and suggestions I can't help but just turn back to God about all of it. The truth is, we all have emotions. Emotions can sometimes make us feel overjoyed, and sometimes our emotions make us feel darn-tootin' rotten. And that's okay! Both of those are okay! And I certainly know that I am not powerful enough to keep myself in balance just by some practical guidelines. And I'm not sure that this is even the point of life! People dis religion all the time and say that it's just a crutch to make you feel better. People say that Jesus Christ, God Eternal, Jehovah Jireh is just a creation of the human mind, passed down through the generations to give us all something to believe in and to take comfort in. But do you know what? It's not that easy! God doesn't necessarily fix every thing about my emotions. The goal of my relationship with God is not to make me feel balanced all the time. People work so hard and search so earnestly for something that will fix them, but that just doesn't seem right to me! God accepts me for who I am as a human being. God created me with emotions...the emotions to be excited, and the emotions to be offended. God gives me the courage to keep working through nerve-wrenching circumstances, he doesn't just fix everything so I don't have to be nervous at all. That would be pretty lame right?
So here I am at a weird place in my life. After pressing all of God's buttons on purpose, testing him, avoiding him, screaming at him, I've come to this place where life just makes sense with him. Well, I don't really know what that means, but I don't feel like I can keep avoiding God. I don't think that God always makes sense, but I also don't want to conclude that God = bad logic. I don't know that God will ever give me all the answers to all the complicated questions that I face, but I don't think that means that God doesn't have those answers. And for the people who feel like they are powerful human beings capable of such greatness within themselves, I guess I challenge you to find a purpose in that. I certainly don't think that emotional balance in my life will ever make me feel accomplished. And I'm not sure that personal success, or a flawless lifestyle will ever make me feel like I've achieved the greatest possible life. Seriously...people say that Christians are so wrapped up in their own bubble wrap that they can't relate to the real world. But true Christians...Christians who understand their humanity are probably the most relative people that are walking around.
What is the point of all that I've just written. Hmm, I'm not really sure. But I'm not sure that walking away from God, from the church, or from religion, or from the Bible is what my heart really wants to do. I think I just want to be human, to be fully fully human, and to find joy in that. Maybe I'll stop pressing God's buttons, and maybe I'll start feeling okay about what my heart really wants in life. And maybe I can give Christianity more credit than I have been lately.
It's something to think about.
Merry Christmas guys, Merry Christmas!!!
The past two weeks I have been cranky. So many stupid things troubling me. My breathing doesnsn't even feel right.
So what better medicine is there than a little Christmas cheer?
I wasn't going to put up a Christmas tree this year but the truth is, it's just not Christmas without one. So last night I went on the search for the perfect tree and I gave it a home.
In an effort to heighten the Christmas mood, I invited my friend CC over to make gingerbread houses. It was .....well....."fun". CC said I was ruining her reputation! I said she needed a NEW reputation!
After collapsing too many times, this was my final structure. It sort of looks like a little house right?
CC gave up on the "house" format and decided to make a trailer or a garage or something.
Her's is the little box-like thing on the right. Hmm, I like it:-)
Okay, so looking at it makes my stomach nauscious! Oh well, it was definately an experience!
irritated and insulted
unless i get some sleep i'm about to start speaking what my mind is thinking, and that might not be a very good thing
people can be so stupid, so careless,
so UNthoughtful, and so rude and why does it seem
that these people come in large groups?!!!
stupid people
stupid stupid thoughtless people who care more about their pathetic righteous building
with marble floors and have no flipping care for a person who needs a brief second to breathe.....stupid
i need to be alone for a while i think
bye for now
Here are 4 very sincere thoughts from a man who has changed my life. His name is Frederick Buechner. I hope you have heard of him. If you haven't, now you have....so go read his books!
I have tried to be as honest as I can be to my own experience: what it's like to be alive on this planet. With a particular eye cocked to, a particular ear cocked to the elusive, ambiguous presence of God.
Listen to your life. Pay attention. Pay attention to what happens to you. Maybe nothing much, but maybe the secret of all secrets you need to hear may come through some event, something that happens or fails to happen.
What makes me a believer is that from time to time, there have been glimpses I've had which have made me suspect the presence of something extraordinary and beyond the realm of the immediate. You encounter the holy in various forms, which, unless you have your eyes open, you might not even notice.
What's lost is nothing to what's found, and all the death that ever was set next to life would scarcely fill a cup.
Friends FOREVER!!!
(the above mentioned nicknames are not as funny
to those who aren't aware of their meaning)
More MORE great memories made in Seattle!
Monday is here.
Please take a moment to enjoy the following:
--a lovely snow angel made by ME!--
--me in a very happy, snow angel-making mood!--
--my home, with a LOT of snow!--
--cool-whip dipped trees!--
Yesterday it snowed!!!!!!! and it snowed a LOT!!!!
AND my GRE has been rescheduled until Monday night. Please continue to wish great smartness into my brain:)
Monday I will post pictures of the snow. Yesterday I woke up with the biggest smile. After digging my car out of it's own little snow cave, I shoveled my steps and made a snow angel. I cleaned my house and baked cookies and talked to 4 wonderful friends!
Today while I was driving I made a mental list of all the things that are currently making me happy:
So much snow that the trees look like they have been dipped in cool whip!
Stylish = layering my body with all of my favorite outfits at one time + boots, mittens, hats, and scarves that I've knitted.
Wearing sunglasses because the sun is reflecting off the snow.
Wearing my favorite boots.
Watching the kids sledding down the hill, inspiring me to plan my own sledding adventure.
Being so bundled up that everything is warm except for my nose.
Seeing my breath in the wind.
Drinking a hot cappucinno and feeling it inside my body.
Christmas music.
Oh....there's more to come, more favorites, more moments, more adventures, more pictures...
Love to you all!
I'm going in for the kill!!!!!
Pray for me, sing a song for me, dance the hula, eat good food....do whatever it is that will help me get a good score on this painful GRE!
Tomorrow, FRIDAY from 12:30-4:30 I'll be using every bit of smartness that I have!
I'll be back to blogging on Monday.
Love you all!
(yay! Charles left me a comment!!!! So cool!)
My mom invited me over to her house for dinner tomorrow night!-----weird. I got invited home.
I came across something I wrote last year. I wrote this while I was living at L'Abri and working through my thoughts on God, or thoughts without God. I had tea with Prisca Sandri (Francis Schaeffer's daughter) every Monday and this was something I wrote after meeting with her.
It's interesting to read back on meaningful moments in your life. It's not theology or solid doctrine, but I'm so thankful for the way she expanded my thinking.
Tea with Prisca.
How do you overcome the ugliness that you see everywhere and the ugliness that you feel? How do you sit in that ugliness and KNOW that God is still good and that God still loves you?
I THINK I can say that bad things are not thrown by the hand of God. I think I can say now, that God USES bad things, but he doesn’t cause them in my life. Prisca told me to seek out the things that display the character of God. Look at the mountains. Look at the order in the world around me. Watch the sunset. Examine a flower or a vegetable garden. Watch love grow between people or the birds flying around and around. When life seems overwhelming and chaotic, NOTICE that God’s order still exists and goes on and on. God’s character is always displayed and I can notice it if I look behind the pain and confusion.
I think she has a good point. AND I don’t feel like this would be denying my pain. It is just choosing to keep my eyes on God.
this www.weffriddles.com is awesome and disgusting at the same time. my head is in pain and i'm terribly distracted.
somehow i have made it to level 16.
I figured it was time to get serious. I've studied hard. I can only do my best. I am officially registered to take the GRE.
I'm freaked out!!!
I'm doomed!!!
HELP!
No Mom's allowed!!! No dinner, just cookie dough! Hide-and-Seek inside the house! --In the dark!
Dancing, dancing, dancing.
Music...LOUD LOUD MUSIC!
WAY too much laughter.
Sometimes the best moments in life are much more accessable than we think.
These are my girls. No more diapers....just much much MUCH more goofiness than imaginable!
My role has switched from "The Best Babysitter in the Whole World" to Friend. You girls remind me to chill out, to dance a little...well, okay...to dance A LOT!
You think I'm cool, which makes me feel awesome!
You're all grown up!!! And I think you're teaching me that I still need to grow up more...
...but not without a little choreography:)
You girls make up the better part of my life.
They should pay me for this advertisement!
NEW! Vanilla Chai Spice.
This weekend was lame!
Friday I stayed up all night working a few extra hours. Saturday I slept all day because I stayed up all night. Saturday night my brother came up. (that wasn't lame) Then I carved a pumpkin (see below) and we waited for the Trick-or-Treaters to come. We waited....and waited....and waited.....and I think we got about 5 kids. We were both so exhausted that we were in bed early. (forgetting about the extra hour of sleep) We awoke on Sunday STILL exhausted and rushed to church to find an empty building since all the smart people slept an extra hour! Sunday afternoon I slept some more and then woke up from my nap with a stomach ache. I watched 3 episodes of the West Wing, went back to bed and here I am today, bright and chipper on Monday morning.
I still don't understand why all the Trick-or-Treaters avoided my house. Do you think my pumpkin scared them away?
The Idiot by Dostoevsky
"Well then indeed I would feel drawn away somewhere, and I kept fancying that if you went straight ahead, walked a long, long way, and got beyond that line, the very one where the sky meets the earth, that the whole key to the mystery would be there, and directly, you would see a new life, a thousand times more vivid and tumultuous than ours."
Sometimes I think of you and I remember that you are amazing.
But sometimes when I think of you I feel very very ugly.
And one of these days it will break. This hold you have on me will snap and I will fly higher than the tallest mountain and all of my dreams will come together like a beautiful patchwork quilt and I will know that I could have never done it without you. I will also know that my anger towards you will never blow away because you have shredded my soul into humiliation.
And I wish for you that your dreams will form as well. And I wish to know that you will be okay. And I wish that I never have to think of you again. And I wish that somehow all of the lack of care that I have been so bold to deny will not leave this heart empty forever. And I wish that someday I will feel lovely again. And I will, without you.
Today I had a fortune cookie for lunch
but there wasn't a fortune in it.
Oh no!
What does that mean?!!!
This past weekend I went to Door County with my parents. It was a wonderful trip! It was so great to return and re-visit all of our favorite places.
Below: pictures of our Sunday afternoon cruise. I LOVE afternoon autumn drives!
I can't even imagine what the colors were 1 week ago.
Below: Dad and I made mom quite nervous as we climbed in the caves and rocks at Cavepoint County Park.
Mom's are born to be nervous I think. It was fun! Cavepoint is such a beautiful place!
