I'm missing you. Memories of being safe in your haven, resting, growing, being nurtured, these memories glisten in my soul. I long to be surrounded again, to stand in awe of your natural beauty. I feel so exposed now. I am wary, nervous, unsure, eager... When I return, someday, I will feel full again.

People often ask me why I miss L'Abri.
They ask, "What was so wonderful about it?"

Need I explain more?


be real

The past few years I have had the need to test God by pushing all of his buttons just to see how far my rebellion can go. Does God really care?... Does he?....Really?.... Does he really care?....Does he care even when I don't care?..... Does he really?....really? Isn't that how we are sometimes? Well, that's how I am. I'm kind of surprised (and very much relieved) that God doesn't just take his big huge right hand of justice and squash me. If I was God...I'd be so irritated I'd be asking the other gods for some help. Like, "Seriously guys...April just doesn't get it!!!"

None-the-less, lately I feel like I just don't know if I really get it. When I step outside of the church, and when I step outside of my comfortable group of friends, and when I step outside of the norms that have created my little womb of a worldview....well frankly I don't feel like I really want to be a Christian. I feel like my Christian worldview is quite flimsy and I feel like I'm constantly facing issues that are so vague and complicated that I'd be an ass to just stuff them in my Christian womb worldview like they actually fit!

And then I laugh at myself because even when I'm angry and bitter and I feel like I have nothing steadfast to believe in...I lay in bed and I say, "God....I just don't know if you exist!". How silly right? I'm questioning the existence of the same person I'm talking with.

I was thinking the other day...what would it be like if I didn't talk to God anymore? What would it be like if I just started living as if he wasn't there? What would my life be like if I gave it all up? completely! How terrifying! If I exclude the God part of my life, then there's just nothing left that really matters.

I've been talking with people lately about emotional balance and achieving emotional health and personal growth in life. There are so many practical theories that have been constructed to help a person stay level. Some of them are quite helpful. Like, the importance of being honest with yourself and other people. It is amazing what happens when you stop trying to dance around things and when you bring the issue to the table right away. Honesty. Honesty definitely aids in keeping things balanced.
A personal favorite of mine is the advice of allowing other people to own their own reactions. I can't allow myself to get caught up on the emotions and reactions of other people. I cannot allow myself to be offended. Instead I need to pay attention to my own reactions and my own emotions. This is good advice!
There are many books written, numerous lectures given, and too many resources to count on the topic of emotional balance/healing/growth.

Lately as I've been listening and observing all of these thoughts and suggestions I can't help but just turn back to God about all of it. The truth is, we all have emotions. Emotions can sometimes make us feel overjoyed, and sometimes our emotions make us feel darn-tootin' rotten. And that's okay! Both of those are okay! And I certainly know that I am not powerful enough to keep myself in balance just by some practical guidelines. And I'm not sure that this is even the point of life! People dis religion all the time and say that it's just a crutch to make you feel better. People say that Jesus Christ, God Eternal, Jehovah Jireh is just a creation of the human mind, passed down through the generations to give us all something to believe in and to take comfort in. But do you know what? It's not that easy! God doesn't necessarily fix every thing about my emotions. The goal of my relationship with God is not to make me feel balanced all the time. People work so hard and search so earnestly for something that will fix them, but that just doesn't seem right to me! God accepts me for who I am as a human being. God created me with emotions...the emotions to be excited, and the emotions to be offended. God gives me the courage to keep working through nerve-wrenching circumstances, he doesn't just fix everything so I don't have to be nervous at all. That would be pretty lame right?

So here I am at a weird place in my life. After pressing all of God's buttons on purpose, testing him, avoiding him, screaming at him, I've come to this place where life just makes sense with him. Well, I don't really know what that means, but I don't feel like I can keep avoiding God. I don't think that God always makes sense, but I also don't want to conclude that God = bad logic. I don't know that God will ever give me all the answers to all the complicated questions that I face, but I don't think that means that God doesn't have those answers. And for the people who feel like they are powerful human beings capable of such greatness within themselves, I guess I challenge you to find a purpose in that. I certainly don't think that emotional balance in my life will ever make me feel accomplished. And I'm not sure that personal success, or a flawless lifestyle will ever make me feel like I've achieved the greatest possible life. Seriously...people say that Christians are so wrapped up in their own bubble wrap that they can't relate to the real world. But true Christians...Christians who understand their humanity are probably the most relative people that are walking around.

What is the point of all that I've just written. Hmm, I'm not really sure. But I'm not sure that walking away from God, from the church, or from religion, or from the Bible is what my heart really wants to do. I think I just want to be human, to be fully fully human, and to find joy in that. Maybe I'll stop pressing God's buttons, and maybe I'll start feeling okay about what my heart really wants in life. And maybe I can give Christianity more credit than I have been lately.

It's something to think about.

Merry Christmas guys, Merry Christmas!!!


my tree

The past two weeks I have been cranky. So many stupid things troubling me. My breathing doesnsn't even feel right.
So what better medicine is there than a little Christmas cheer?
I wasn't going to put up a Christmas tree this year but the truth is, it's just not Christmas without one. So last night I went on the search for the perfect tree and I gave it a home.

Now, that's more like it!

frosting, candy, and a friend!

In an effort to heighten the Christmas mood, I invited my friend CC over to make gingerbread houses. It was .....well....."fun". CC said I was ruining her reputation! I said she needed a NEW reputation!

After collapsing too many times, this was my final structure. It sort of looks like a little house right?

CC gave up on the "house" format and decided to make a trailer or a garage or something.
Her's is the little box-like thing on the right. Hmm, I like it:-)

Okay, so looking at it makes my stomach nauscious! Oh well, it was definately an experience!


my current mood is....

irritated and insulted

unless i get some sleep i'm about to start speaking what my mind is thinking, and that might not be a very good thing

people can be so stupid, so careless,
so UNthoughtful, and so rude and why does it seem
that these people come in large groups?!!!

stupid people
stupid stupid thoughtless people who care more about their pathetic righteous building
with marble floors and have no flipping care for a person who needs a brief second to breathe.....stupid

i need to be alone for a while i think

bye for now


he's my hero

Here are 4 very sincere thoughts from a man who has changed my life. His name is Frederick Buechner. I hope you have heard of him. If you haven't, now you have....so go read his books!

I have tried to be as honest as I can be to my own experience: what it's like to be alive on this planet. With a particular eye cocked to, a particular ear cocked to the elusive, ambiguous presence of God.

Listen to your life. Pay attention. Pay attention to what happens to you. Maybe nothing much, but maybe the secret of all secrets you need to hear may come through some event, something that happens or fails to happen.

What makes me a believer is that from time to time, there have been glimpses I've had which have made me suspect the presence of something extraordinary and beyond the realm of the immediate. You encounter the holy in various forms, which, unless you have your eyes open, you might not even notice.

What's lost is nothing to what's found, and all the death that ever was set next to life would scarcely fill a cup.


good times ALWAYS

no other friend like you.


Friends FOREVER!!!

(the above mentioned nicknames are not as funny
to those who aren't aware of their meaning)

More MORE great memories made in Seattle!


i feel.......

I hate standardized tests. They make me feel so empty headed. There's only one conclusion that fits my feelings......I'm just stupid!
Okay, okay, I'm not sulking too much. I did really well on the test actually, I just scored poorly on the math part. I worked really hard on my math. I studied hard to prepare. I really wanted to be proud of myself. It didn't go like I was hoping. I cried when I was done. Now I'm just relieved that it's over. It's a good thing that life doesn't depend on my algebraic capabilities!


let's pray for another snow storm!!!!!

Monday is here.
Please take a moment to enjoy the following:

--a lovely snow angel made by ME!--

--me in a very happy, snow angel-making mood!--

--my home, with a LOT of snow!--

--cool-whip dipped trees!--


cold weather makes april very happy!

Yesterday it snowed!!!!!!! and it snowed a LOT!!!!
AND my GRE has been rescheduled until Monday night. Please continue to wish great smartness into my brain:)

Monday I will post pictures of the snow. Yesterday I woke up with the biggest smile. After digging my car out of it's own little snow cave, I shoveled my steps and made a snow angel. I cleaned my house and baked cookies and talked to 4 wonderful friends!

Today while I was driving I made a mental list of all the things that are currently making me happy:

So much snow that the trees look like they have been dipped in cool whip!

Stylish = layering my body with all of my favorite outfits at one time + boots, mittens, hats, and scarves that I've knitted.

Wearing sunglasses because the sun is reflecting off the snow.

Wearing my favorite boots.

Watching the kids sledding down the hill, inspiring me to plan my own sledding adventure.

Being so bundled up that everything is warm except for my nose.

Seeing my breath in the wind.

Drinking a hot cappucinno and feeling it inside my body.

Christmas music.

Oh....there's more to come, more favorites, more moments, more adventures, more pictures...

Love to you all!