This is nothing new for me, it is the skin that I wear, it is my naked humanity these days.
I posted a quote yesterday that said "If there were such a thing as a perfect church, they certainly wouldn't want me there." Isn't this the truth?! I am so far away from perfection that I can't even see mediocrity in myself right now. How can I be so critical when I'm flailing my own arms in imbalance?
I missed church this past Sunday. I overslept. I had made a commitment to help out before service and I failed. Sometimes I sit through service and I never even hear one word that is spoken. Instead I spend my time journaling. Sometimes I go to church and I just sit out in the lobby and drink coffee and talk to people. I'm not always very reliable in my commitments, and I don't always make church stuff a priority. I have not done a very good job in cultivating relationships there either. I have definitely failed in being a friend to many of the people there. I don't always take time to make new guests feel welcome. I wish I was better at that.
Here I have spat out just a few of my failures. These are not traits and attitudes of which I am proud. In fact, I think I am so disappointed in myself that I feel like I have to make up some sort of excuse to soothe my guilt.
I have been thinking upon this for the past few days. Do you know that my guilt works so hard at trying to convince everyone else that I'm worthless? So what if I fail?! I am the only one who is expecting perfection of myself.
I am so tired of feeling guilty. I am so tired of fighting. I want to be a better person.
I know that some people from Mercy Hill read my blog. You have to know that your kindness and love has been an unbelievable source of hope for me. I am so amazed that I get to be a part of such a fantastic family even though I don't deserve it.