Last night I walked for 3 miles. That makes 11 miles for the week (so far). I do feel great, I won't lie.
I spent most of the walk gazing at the moon. How beautiful this earth is! Oh how much we miss when we are too busy to stop and notice. The sky, the trees, the leaves, the beach, the sand...they live and breathe and they are just waiting to be noticed.
at 9:20 AM
at 9:41 AM
This is how I feel right now. This video displays what I hate, and what I'm caught up within, all at the same time.
My doctor told me for the third time now that I need to lose 60 lbs. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. I'm angry actually.
I've worked so hard at being happy with myself and being content with the fact that I'm not a size 7 hot mama. I've been determined not to become obsessed with diets. I've worked hard at some very healthy habits and I'm proud of my progress. Now that certain test results are in, I have no choice. I want to be healthy and if I don't drop this weight, I am basically welcoming diabetes with open arms. I've been this same weight for more than 5 years now. No bigger, no smaller. My doctor said that because I live a moderately active lifestyle I'm going to have to kick it up a few levels in order to see any progress. I have to put my body in shock or something, making it burn more caleries than my few weekly workouts are already eating up. I guess my ideals about "beauty within", "feeling good", and "being happy with yourself" don't really work in the real world. I guess it's time to be obsessed with my image. Here I go, I hope I can make some fun out of it.
Last night I took a long fast paced walk. It was lovely. I went about 4 miles I think. I thought to myself "Well...this sure is lovely. Maybe I can make a habit of this a few times a week!" When I got home and took off my shoes and orthodics I couldn't walk. The pain was worse than ever before. That is not an exaggeration. I had to soak my feet in a bucket of ice, I took 4 ib profin, and I crawled on my hands and knees down the hallway and into bed. Then cried myself to sleep. I can't win! I'm fat, and my feet don't work either. Today I am walking...painfully. But I'm walking. I guess pain is just another thing I'll have to deal with. I want to be healthy.
Pray for me.
at 9:40 AM
I came across some older photos...
When I finished school in Seattle, my dad--the amazing guy that he is!!!--brought the van out and we drove ALL THE WAY home with all my stuff. Actually, road trips with dad are always great. I look forward to them! You know all those strange places along the highways? The worlds largest thumb nail? The city where the portable toilet was invented? The worlds oldest junk yard? The actual spot where George Washington once took a nap? Yup, we've been to all of those places!
Well, on the way home from Seattle dad and I stopped at an Indian memorial site. Now, of course I should probably remember the details of this historical excursion but I only remember that it was a battleground between the Indians and the White Men. We watched some moving displays and some videos and then I remember walking around the property. I took some pictures of some of the memoral stones, giggling at the Indian names. There's something somewhat sacred about a name. People name their children with meaning in hopes that they will grow into the depth of their title. Things like "Peacemaker" or "Strong One" or "Kind" or "Loyal" are character traits that every parent would wish upon their child right? Well, what about these names? What did these kids do to deserve their names? Notice Hair Lip, or Hump Nose.
How bad would a kid have to smell in order to inherit the name Young Skunk? Or the guy who is named Black Cloud?? What's he been eating?
Okay okay, it's fun and games on the surface but I really do admire these sorts of traditions. Indian culture is fascinating to me and I love learning about their heritage.
I think if I were an Indian, my parents would probably have chosen this for my name.
**Note: After this little highway adventure dad took me to see the Corn Palace! Wow, an entire building covered in corn!!!
at 9:44 AM
From Episode #912 of FRIENDS "The One With Phoebe's Rats"
(I have highlighted a few of my favorite quotes)
Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Phoebe: (relieved) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
Mike: What, is he your pet rat?
Phoebe: Well not so much as a pet, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your apartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and hantavirus.
Phoebe: What are those?
Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!
Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
Mike: Thank you.
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
SCENE CHANGE: A little later in the day...
Phoebe: Hey Mikey
Mike: Hey P
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Mike: Setting rat traps.
Phoebe: To kill Bob??
Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength.
Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him. Oh-Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
Mike: Better think of a new name for him.
Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat caught in a trap) ...
Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob!
Okay, so why did I just make you read that? Well, it's one of my favorite FRIENDS episodes. But also, Katie and I have mice in our apartment. Is it terrible that I find it endearing? There was a little mouse in our cupboard yesterday and I thought, aww...a mouse! We have new friends! What should we name him?
Katie said "Well, it's a good thing we have your cat!" and I laughed. My cat probably doesn't even know what a mouse is. I can see it now. One day I'll come home from work and I'll see Solomon (my cat) cuddled up with a few mice just sleeping away that afternoon! Haha, that will be the day!
I suppose I'll have to be respsonsible and set some traps but at the moment I am just avoiding the situation.
Stay tuned for any new exciting stories about the friendly little critters!
at 9:50 AM
My friend Vanessa is in Cambodia right now. She is volunteering with an orphanage. I am so encouraged by my friends who are actively loving and serving the people in this great big world. Vanessa wrote me this morning and she described her experiences so beautifully. Here is a clip from her email:
the children are so very beautiful, april....
it's nothing, absolutely nothing like i expected. ...or ever could have dreamed up, really. there are 70 children. and me.
i am not a teacher...i expected to help in small ways...but they look at me as though i hold the key to the very universe and maybe, because i smile with them and touch them...maybe because they know i'll reach for their scarred up little hands and offer them what i can from my small bag of food--maybe i am the key....
i will change nothing here, though.
it's ....it's more filthy than anything i've ever seen. the kids have been in the same clothes since i arrived. they eat from dishes that have not been washed, drink water that the adults around them have been shitting in...
....they are the most exquisite, receptive humans i've ever ever known.
i love them very very deeply.
Pray for her please. Pray for the people in your own life, the people who are out there being the hands to your heart. When we support these people, we are connected.
at 2:43 PM
Close your eyes, imagine me, April, driving down the road, windows down, hair blowing just as wildly as the autumn leaves, singing loudly to this song. This is one of my most current favorite songs. Enjoy! The recording is a much better treat for your ears than your imagination of my singing. Trust me :)
at 8:32 AM
The leaves are falling, falling as from far off,
Rainer Maria Rilke
at 2:45 PM