i'm bitter

This is how I feel right now. This video displays what I hate, and what I'm caught up within, all at the same time.

My doctor told me for the third time now that I need to lose 60 lbs. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that. I'm angry actually.

I've worked so hard at being happy with myself and being content with the fact that I'm not a size 7 hot mama. I've been determined not to become obsessed with diets. I've worked hard at some very healthy habits and I'm proud of my progress. Now that certain test results are in, I have no choice. I want to be healthy and if I don't drop this weight, I am basically welcoming diabetes with open arms. I've been this same weight for more than 5 years now. No bigger, no smaller. My doctor said that because I live a moderately active lifestyle I'm going to have to kick it up a few levels in order to see any progress. I have to put my body in shock or something, making it burn more caleries than my few weekly workouts are already eating up. I guess my ideals about "beauty within", "feeling good", and "being happy with yourself" don't really work in the real world. I guess it's time to be obsessed with my image. Here I go, I hope I can make some fun out of it.

Last night I took a long fast paced walk. It was lovely. I went about 4 miles I think. I thought to myself "Well...this sure is lovely. Maybe I can make a habit of this a few times a week!" When I got home and took off my shoes and orthodics I couldn't walk. The pain was worse than ever before. That is not an exaggeration. I had to soak my feet in a bucket of ice, I took 4 ib profin, and I crawled on my hands and knees down the hallway and into bed. Then cried myself to sleep. I can't win! I'm fat, and my feet don't work either. Today I am walking...painfully. But I'm walking. I guess pain is just another thing I'll have to deal with. I want to be healthy.

Pray for me.

Thank you.


Momma Amy said...

Oh April, I feel you sister!

Since having 4 kids in five years, I've put on some weight! I have gone up and down quite a bit in that time and have tried to NOT get obsessed.

I have since decided that losing weight is DEFINITELY one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I would love to lose 25-30 lbs, but would be happy with 15. Though that sounds almost impossible, at times

I'm sorry that I don't have any great advice for you, but I have found that you have to find what works for YOU. I think the focus on being healthy and developing healthy habits is a great idea.

I will be praying for you!!

The Domestic Intellectual said...

Great video! I totally understand your struggle. Summer of '06 I had a fitness evaluation and was very unhappy with what I saw. I was already going to the gym 5 days a week and the trainer said I had to start weight-lifting if I wanted to get the weight off, and really push myself aerobically. Weight-loss became this obsession, and last Dec, while on a silent retreat I laid it all at God's feet. I knew I needed to lose the weight, but I didn't want to become compulsive.

Well, the exercise just didn't happen, but I did get a job that kept me so busy I had no time to eat, and I decided to keep no sugar in the house and not eat it during the day. Between that and the small increase of regular activity that comes from taking public transportation or walking everywhere in the city I have managed to drop 1.5 sizes since May and I am pretty sure I am lighter than I have been in 5 or 6 years. (I haven't weighed myself since May at my parents' house.)

I encourage you to go to God and ask him what will work best for you. My roommate and I have found that we are opposites. I naturally want to exercise more, but in reality eating less sugar is what really helps me. For her, she would prefer to diet, but she needs to get more active to lose weight and keep it off.

If you are looking for food ideas, the best thing that I have found is the Zone diet. A pharmacist recommended it to me, and I do feel much more energetic and focused when I eat following their suggestions. It is basically a high veggie, low carb, low saturated fat diet that is based on proportions and is very easy to follow. You may want to check it out. I consider it a lifestyle enhancement, not a diet, and it works really well for me.

BTW, I will be praying for you. This is tough.

TulipGirl said...

I'm concerned that I'm headed the direction of pre-diabetic myself. When we returned to the States, I immediately put on 20 lbs. (Like Rebecca said, there are perks to living in the city and taking public transit--ahhh, one more thing to miss about Kyiv!)

In the past 6-12 mos I've put on another 10 lbs. My downfall is sugary stuff. When I have made sure I've had extra exercise, I can't do much--but it impacts my weight right away in a good way. (Though never more than a little bit, because honestly--I have trouble doing ANY exercise!)

I keep telling myself, "I can't do it all. . ." and that exercise is what gives right now. But I know that isn't good for me. Still, what do I give up? Time with Hubby and the kids? Outside commitments? School? Keeping the house sanitary and the family fed?

Anyway. . .

Epsom salts are a miracle worker when it comes to aches and pains and such. Seriously. Soak in a tub of water (your whole body or just your feet) as hot as is comfortable, with 1/2 cup epsom salts per 50 lb body weight.

(Btw, all the photos of you look great! I really can't see how you would have 60 extra lbs. 15 maybe. . . by 60?! That doc must be smokin' somethin'. . .)