i don't know

I guess I have some things on my mind, questions churning with a bit of conviction. But maybe I'm not sure what to do with the conviction. I'm tempted to top it off with some whipped cream and disguise it as a tasty morsel of "whatever".

Why do I pray? What is prayer? Are my needs more effectively met when I set aside the time to verbalize them? Really? I don't understand. Why can't prayer just be normal dialogue with God...just like I talk with myself when I'm scrubbing the bathtub or taking a walk down the lakefront? Does it have to be so sacred?

What about going to church? Why is it so important? Why does church attendance make me a more faithful Christian? Even if people don't admit it....it's an underlying assumption that is eating away at me!

What about all the rules that we are taught when we are children? ...the "do's and don'ts" of being a good Christian person? Why do they make you "Christian" or "not-Christian"?....why can't they just rest with levels of morality?

Sometimes I feel like the standards given in Scripture cause a person to be so above, beyond, and uptight in relation to the normal world. By abiding by the standards I'm given within the Bible, I then become religious and I don't want to be religious, I just want to be plain and passionate. Is that wrong?

I believe in God. I love God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit...the whole gang of 'em. I believe that God's love is the most important thing in this life, and I believe that nothing matters more than to share that True Love with everyone in every possible way.

So what if I don't go to church? So what if I don't memorize the Roman's Road to Salvation?
So what if I don't really formally pray a whole lot? Am I a weaker Christian?
I don't understand why being a Christian has to become such a supernatural journey of mysterious jargon. I don't understand why being a faithful child of God requires that I live this life in the world but with my senses sort of suspended above anything carnal. I live a balanced life. I take care of the body I've been given. (well...maybe I shouldn't have eaten that McDonald's double cheeseburger yesterday). I don't entertain myself with worthless empty pleasures. I evaluate and re-evaluate my actions and my thinking and I live passionately with God as my grounding. I'm not just a "good person"....I DO draw my entire existence, every breath, every effort from the connection I hold with my God.

I am one who loves people...all kinds of people. I desire to build my life upon relationships, relationships of love, understanding, peace, healing... I want to walk in other people's shoes, to eat with them, to know their mind, and to hear their heart beating. But when I'm walking in their shoes and sitting at their dinner table I feel like moment by moment I'm shedding off religious requirements. AND I LIKE IT!!!

I want to just live my life, my normal earthly life. I want to experience this world. I want to meet people. I want to help people. I want to learn more. I want to enjoy my existence with an underlying trust that God is taking care of the details. If everything I do already presupposes that I'm trusting God...then why do I need to stop and make sure I'm doing all the things that the Bible is commanding?

Sometimes I guess I wonder if I'm really a Christian. Maybe that's the question: What's a Christian? All of these pressures...all of these expectations...all of these feelings of being out of whack and totally NOT normal....I don't feel like I signed up for those feelings. I'm not writing off the Bible. I'm not wishing to excuse or denounce Christianity....not yet anyway. I am just so tired of feeling guilty for being down-to-earth, for being vulnerable, for being real and humble, and kind.

This past weekend I was challenged to re-evaluate the idea of prayer.
I guess I just don't understand how I want to react to that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oooh baby. what can i say? i'm so proud of you and your questions. the biggest 'sin' in my opinion is to take someone else's conclusions and accepting them as right. end all be all bullsh*t...
livea little sweetie. spiritual growth isn't dull. isn't easy. isn't what so many say it should be! love ya. ~mtnmama